The Minerva Files
Notes from a small Kitten
Friday, 5 October 2012
For those of you wondering why there haven't been any new Minerva files; I have two written but she's been missing since Monday and I don't have the heart to put them up when I don't know where she is or if she's coming back. She has a collar with my phone number on it and she is chipped so it's puzzling that I haven't heard anything. Please keep things crossed.
Sunday, 30 September 2012
You
know that man you've got measuring the dining room for bookcases?
What
about him?
He
was making swears.
Oh
crap. Why was he making swears, Minerva?
I
dunno. I was helping him and everything.
Everything?
Really? What did this helping and 'everything' consist of, oh little
moggie of mine?
Erm,
well it wasn't easy because I am not fully trained yet ...
You
can say that again...
But
I chewed the end of his tape measure, sat everywhere he was doing
measures, went in and out of his legs a few times and bit his nose.
Helping. Yes.
Funnily
enough, he now says he's suddenly too busy to make bookshelves for
us, what do make of that, Minerva?
I
think someone who makes that many swears should not be around a young
and impressionable kitten. Have you thought about how attractive
books look piled on the floor? Also, they make excellent mazes for
small, bored cats. You're welcome.
***Sigh***
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Minerva?
Whut?
I
have apparently just become the proud owner of a steam cleaning
machine, a crystal duck and an assortment of garden shrubberies.
Would you care to explain?
Yes.
It's the elitist, imperialism of the humanistic ruling classes.
You've
got me there... start again?
***Sigh***
Right, you've got your humans...lording it over us poor, helpless
,downtrodden creatures, see?
I
can see several places where I would take issue with your
terminology, but go on.
Okay,
and the reason you tall ,hairless types can do this to us brilliant
,but enslaved, animal classes is?
Erm....?
Opposable
thumb, stupid! Your dexterity allows you to rule.
I'm
still not seeing the reason for the various bits of crap the post man
just delivered.
S'easy......if
I had an opposable thumb I would have been better able to press the
buttons on the phone to order two cases of anchovies and a sword from
the shopping channel rather than a cleaner, a duck and some bushes.
I
am using my opposable thumb to destroy my credit card and padlock
the phone.
Despot.
Monday, 24 September 2012
Where
have you been?
Erm,
we went to a birthday party and a wedding.
Why
didn't you take me?I would have liked a birthday party and a wedding
I
know but you'd have got drunk, eaten most of the buffet, shed or
drooled in the rest and then thrown up and left.
Much
like the other guests then?
Well,
yes........I mean, no, no, of course not. So what did you do with
yourself while we were away?
Pretty
much all of the above really. The dining room could do with some
attention when you've unpacked.
Thanks
No
problem.
Friday, 21 September 2012
Minerva,
I don’t understand why you keep disappearing. Don’t we feed you,
take care of you, play with you, cater, in short, to your every whim
and wish?
Yes,
yes, but the call of the wild is in my blood. I need the wide open
spaces, the excitement of the open road, I have to be free-eee, free
to be me-eee.
***Good
grief.***
You
don’t understand, I am a wild creature by nature, you cannot cage
me. I must explore the world.
Okay, I
get it. What are you waiting for then?Off you go, see you when you
get back.
Erm..aren’t
you going to feed me first? The world is a bloody big place you know.
Oh, I
see, that’ll be more kittie bics then, oh wild one?
Are
you mocking me?
Me,
Kitten de Gama, would I?
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
Minerva,
please speak to me. I am really sorry I had to keep you in for a
week. It was on the vets orders you know. It wasn’t my fault.
There
is no excuse for the chains of slavery!
What
slavery? I just closed the cat flap for a week, whilst I waited on
you, paw and erm…more paw.
Kitten
oppression of the worst kind, you…you…kitten oppresser,, you.
For
chrissakes Minerva, it was for your own sodding good.
We
shall overcome, we shall overcome..
Look,
I understand you feel strongly about this but don’t you think the
kilt and blue face paint is a bit over the top?
You
may take our lives,
but you'll never take
our freedom
***sigh***
Monday, 17 September 2012
Oh
for fucks sake, Minerva!!
What
have I done now?
I
had just ironed this shirt for work
And
your point is?
Look!
You've used it as a bed and left hair all over it.
If
it's on a flat surface, it's a bed.That's totally a law or something.
Okay,
it was stupid of me to leave it on the bed but did you have to shed
all over it?
Look,
you were warned when you got me, no use complaining now.
Warned?
What warned? I don't remember being warned.
'*AHEM*,
if I may just refer to the bill of sale?
"
May contain traces of kitten".
Ipso
fatso,M'lud, my case rests,
Bill
of sale, what bill of sale? You were free to a good home
And
a good home does not yell at a little, cute kitten what cannot help
shedding, especially when she's anxious and frightened.
Anxious
and frightened my arse.
***Snirk***
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