Day 23

***Sigh****

What’s the matter?

I’m depressed.

What are you depressed about? You are 3 months old, in perfect health, your whole life ahead of you,you have at least one human being totally in thrall, you have a warm, comfortable home and as many kittie bics as you can get outside of, what’s there to be depressed about?

But what’s the point? I mean, when you get right down to it? What’s it all for?

Have you fallen out with Mr Wobbles again?

There you go, trivialising my pain….you just don’t understand. You’ll be sorry you

 weren’t more sympathetic.

Will I? Why? Are you planning some terrible revenge in the middle of the night? Going to trip me up when I’m going down the stairs? Rat me out to the Cat Protection League?

Much worse. I’m going to write a poem

Fuck

DAY 22

Aaargh!!!! Gerrofff , you furry little hell bat, what are you playing at?

I am being a Teenage Ninja Hero Kitten

Which is why you dive bombed me from the curtain rail?

No choice, dude, you are an arch villain and the feet of the world is in my paws.

I think you mean fate.

What, with teas and scones and guess the coconut sort of thing?

No, that’s a …*sigh* never mind. So, have I stopped being an arch villain now?

Depends

On what?

Is it dinnertime?

Yes

I forgive you for dooming the whole world.Let's eat.

Day 21

Minerva?

Whut?

Why is the hallway full of fish?

Praise the Gods, it's a miracle!

A miracle delivered by the Post Office?

You don't know it isn't.

I have a pretty good idea that if the Royal Mail were producing miracles,

 the secret would be out by now. So?

So?

The hallway full of fish?

Oh yeah.......um, tribute?Yes...because thanks to my well-written and highly amusing blog, I are now an international figure of famousness and beloved by my publics who all sent......erm....fish! Yes, that's it, fish.

I left the computer logged into online shopping, didn't I?

Yeah, totally your fault.

Day 20

Holy crap, sea monsters!! Sound the alert, man the battle stations, infestation of sea monsters in the bath tub!

It's me...

Back, frog spawn of Satan! You may speak with the voice of my minion but you can't

fool this kitty cat, oh no. Quick, bring laser cannon, I have it on the run!!

Minerva, it's me, I promise....

But you are green and flaky and scaly and you smell funny.

It's a face pack, it's supposed to make me beautiful.

I hate to tell you this, but it isn't working so far.

Well no, not whilst it's on. Look I'll wash it off then you can see it's me........see?

Still hasn't worked, dude.

Shutthefuckup

DAY 19

Oi, mouse breath, where are you?

Up here. Queen of the World, Ma, Queen of the World.

That's a shit Jimmy Cagney impersonation and what are you doing on the garage roof?

Looking down on you, in every sense of the word.

Super, well done. And you propose to get down, how?

The same way I.........ah, that plank isn't quite so helpful from this direction, I hadn't noticed that before.Okay, you have my permission to climb up and get me.

Not on your little furry nelly......you got up there, you can get down, again.

Would this be a good time to mention how much I love you?

It really wouldn't.

How about the fact that I have the Cat Protection League on speed dial?

Not much use to you up there

Good point.

DAY 18

I hate you, with extreme hate, and prejudice probably, forever. And when that is
finished, I shall start hating you all over again.

You don't feel this is a little over the top?

Over the top!!!! You shut me up in a plastic box for hours, no food, no water,
 no television, subjected to abuse from various wild animals, all wishing to tear
my throat out. And what had I done to deserve that? Nothing, that's what, nothing!

Well actually, if you want to talk about punishment, there was the time you....

Never mind that, you are interrupting me. Then, if that wasn't enough you hand me
over to a kitten rapist, where I was tortured and stabbed and, and, and... molested!

What you actually mean is that you were in your carrier for ten minutes or so,
went to the vet who checked your heart and lungs, gave you an inoculation and put a
few drops on the back of your neck.

I was stabbed!! Stab stab stabbitty that kitten rapist went while you stood by!
You have betrayed my faithful, little trust in you. You have broken my little kitty heart.
 I have trauma, also palpitations, not to mention the fact that I smell funny from those
 drops. They will prolly make me ill, you know and then you'll be sorry.
 I need fish, and counselling and a nice toy and your undivided attention for the rest of
the day.

***Blimey, what's it going to be like when she gets spayed and chipped?***

What was that?

Nothing.

Day 17

Watcha doin?

Knitting

Give us a go, it looks good

No, you'd be pants at it, it's far too technical for you

Oh please, you're making knots in wool with two sticks.

Do.Not.Touch.The.Knitting. Okay?

Man, you are such a grouch.

(insert swimmy dreamy time passing scene here)

Minerva?

*fnnmeuhmnr, hrurmpm*

Minerva, where are you? It's time for The Big Bang Theory.

*fnnmuuuerrm*

Minerva?

***frummmherm****help me****moummnph***

Oh, for the love of God,what the fuck????

A little assistance here, please?

What the hell were you doing with my knitting?

Helping?

What? I had to cut you out of the newly knitted back of my cardigan, how in name of

Christ is that helping?

That colour so didn't suit you

Day 16

Minerva, what happened to little pink mousy?

He commited mousicide.

Mousicide? All his insides are now on the outside, that seems a bit extreme?

Hari Kiri?

Really?

Okay, not really. I confess. It was me. I am the mouse killer. Bring out the cuffs, It's a fair cop, guvnor.

I thought you loved little pink mousy?

*Sigh* I did but he dissed Mr Wobbles and the rage came upon me, the red mist came

 down and kapowie.

Kapowie? You weight about 2 pounds soaking wet. Kapowie?

Seriously, dude, don't make me angry if you don't want about a kilo of raging, hell- kitten fury unleashed upon your ass.

I'll try to remember that.

Day 15

DEMONS!!!

Really? Where?

Out in the garden. Man the barricades!To the guns, troops! Repel the invading forces of Hell!

Erm, I don't see any demons?

You don't? You don't see those bloody great flappy things, gore dripping from their fangs,

 lining up ready to deprive a young kitten of her very lifes blood....and possibly her dinner?

Oh those demons, sorry, I see now. Of course, I know them as butterflies.

Pretty, harmless, never touched a kitty bic in their lives but what would I know?

Butterflies? Not demons?

Nope, not demons, fiends, evil spirits, devils or any other denizen of the Underworld.

Boy, is my face red.

Minerva writing her blog

DAY Fourteen

WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!! There are kittens starving out here.

For fucks sake, Minerva, it's 5 o'clock in the morning.

And your point is??? I'm huuuungrry.........soooo huungryyy. I haven't eaten for days... weeks......I am dying of not eating, probably.

Go back to sleep, it isn't food time yet and you may die of stabbing if you don't shut the fuck up.

Soooo hunnngrry......I expect the RSPCA would want to know about a little, tiny innocent kitten being starvated until she was nothing but a pathetic little skellington. People will point at the cruel owner in the street. That's the vicious person who starved that poor, lovely little kitty, they will say. Boo, they will go and also, hiss.

"Soft kitty, thin kitty, little bag of bones........."

Oh for God's sake, come on then.Bloody hell, I was fast asleep. It's still bloody dark. You are a right pain in the backside, you are.

Right. Here, breakfast.

I don't like that one.

DAY Thirteen

I hope you don't mind my asking and um, don't tell me if you don't want to but....

What?

What do you do with it?

What do I do with what?

My poo. You know, once you've stolen it from my litter tray, what happens then?

Oh I see. Well, I sell it to alchemists.

To what-ists?

Alchemists. They are the people who have been searching for hundreds of years for the secret to turn lead into gold. Thousands have died or gone mad trying to find out how it's done. They've travelled the world, faced appalling dangers and given up everything for this one, arcane, enigma.

Then, one day, one of them happened on the secret, and you will never believe this, but the mysterious formula involves the use of cat poo!

Holy shit, really???? So why are you just giving it away??? Why aren't we rich???? I need a new collar, and a fish, and another fish and a ...........you're just screwing with my head, aren't you?

*snirk*

DAY 12

Hey, blud, wanna come to my crib and hang with me homies?

Excuse me?

I said Hey, blud, wanna come to my crib and hang with me homies?

I see......your 'crib' being that odd nest you built in the back of the wardrobe out of the freshly  ironed clothes you dragged from the hangers? And presumably your 'homies' being little pink mousy, your purple ball and....

And Mr Wobbles, yes.......er, I mean innit?

And by hang you mean......

Well, feed me, obviously, er......innit?

I have got to stop lettting you watch MTV

Day Eleven

What the fuckitty fuck is this shit?

You mean the rain?

Make it stop, I want to go out.

So go

But that stuff...it's cold...also, wet.

It can't hurt you, it's just water.

You understand jack shit about cats.

Sorry. Anyway, I'm not in charge of the weather.

You aren't? What are you in charge of?

Your dinners.

I love you

Day Ten

Notes from a small kitten

So, Minerva, my friend says all cats are psychic.

What, knife wielding maniacs?

No, psychic, you know, they see ghosts and stuff.

A fish or two short of a supper then, this friend of yours?

No.......well, yes......but a lot of people think that. Is it true?

Is what true? That I'm a knife wielding maniac?

Substitute claws and that's about right, but stop being evasive. Do you see dead people?

Look, I promise you, if I ever see a ghost, you will be the first to know.

Aw, is that because you trust me with secret cat stuff?

No, it's because I will have shit myself.

 

DAY NINE

Watcha doin?

Changing bed linen.

Looks like fun, want some help?

Um, so yeah, Minerva? Sitting in the middle of the sheet I'm trying to remove and looking smug, not so much with the helping.

Oh sorry.* snirk*

Minerva? The sitting under the bed and attacking my feet, also not helping. And that thing with the duvet, you know, getting inside the cover and then screaming that you are lost in a snow blizzard? Really, really not helping.

Wow, has anyone ever told you how critical you are? I bet I grow up with a complex or something.

IF you grow up.

I heard that.

Day Eight

Where you going?

To work.

I don’t think that’s a good idea, Hal.

My name isn’t Hal and stop using that creepy computer voice on me. Why isn’t it a good idea?

I have attendance that needs dancing on me, I have minning needs and no minion

here to meet them. Also, I get lonely.

If I don’t work, I can’t buy you kittie bics.

You can’t? Oh crap. What about the Other One, can he min?

He works as well.

Really? Kittie bics are expensive little bastards, aren’t they?

Day Seven

MINERVA!!!

Whut?

Why is everything that was on my desk now on the floor?

Poltergeists?

Really? Poltergeists?

Too much? Erm, okay, .....burglars?

Burglars? It's Sunday lunchtime, the whole neighbourhood is up and

bopping about. I don't think it was burglars.

Oh God, okay, okay, it was me, alright? I did it. It was me.Happy now?

Why? Why would you do that?

Artistic license. It looks better down there. I spent ages getting those pens under the

filing cabinet.I'm so misunderstood. You'll be sorry you stifled my creativity

one day.

I may stifle you one day.

You so don't mean that.

Try me

Fair point.

  Day Six

OMFG what is this????

It's outside.

I love this, there's so much to look at and climb on and smell and wee on and.........
 You're a little over excited aren't you?

No

No?

Okay, yes, but holy crap, I never knew there was outside. I love this!

I know, it's great but if you climb up there, it's a long drop down.

I can do it....I can do it.......I can't do it.

HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME. THIS IS SO HIGH!

I'M GOING TO DIE UP HERE, ALONE AND FORGOTTEN AND...oh thanks.

Sigh

· · 31 minutes

DAY FIVE

Minerva, will you please stop chewing my leg?

I’m playing Lion and Wildebeest. Guess which one you are?

This Wildebeest is going to give you a slap upside the head if you don’t stop

chomping on my calf muscle... 

 Mane

What?

Mane, a slap upside the mane, I’m a lion, remember?

I’m pretty sure it’s female lions that do the hunting.

Really? What do the boy lions do?

I think they sit around belching and scratching and watching re-runs of Top Gear

Oh, okay, just like……

I don’t think you should finish that sentence.

Fair enough.

Day Four

So today, all excited, I bought Minerva a Cat Tree. The manufacturers assure me it will

keep my cat amused for hours….

What the fuck is that thing?

It’s your new cat tree, isn’t it great?

What does it do?

Well, it doesn’t do anything. You play on it.

I do? Why?

Um, cos it’s there?

So are you, I can play on you.

But look, it has dangly bits with fur or something. It’s on a little string, look, a string!

Yes, lovely……..but you have a new and expensive cardigan. Also, tights, look tights!

 No contest.

Yes but.....never mind *sigh*

Day Three
Small battle of wills with new kitten last night on account of she wanted to sit on the
 dining table when we were having dinner and I thought that was not such a good idea.
I gently disengaged her from the tablecloth and put her on the floor two or three times
before she seemed to get that she wasn't welcome.

 "See? " I said smugly to Idris, " You just have to show them who's in charge. "

 Something caught my eye. I turned and there was new kitten swinging like a  little furry
pendulum, suspended on the bottom of my silk dining room curtains.

 I'm pretty sure she was grinning.

Day Two
Did you know it is actually impossible to put on tights with a kitten in the room?
I didn't but three pairs of tights and a late for work futher on, I do.
My legs look like I am some kind of bizarre self harmer.

New Kitten - Day One

Trying to take a bath with new kitten in the room.....not as easy as it sounds actually.
She batted bubbles around until she got bored ( narrowly avoiding falling in but I'm not
sure how, kitteh Gods perhaps?) and then she 'helped' me with drying and getting
dressed. She will be a rubbish lady's maid as apparently towels are full of demons and
 socks mean to take your life by means of.....well, she wasn't clear on that point but she
 knew they were pretty damn dangerous. She's exhausted now, wait til she realises it
will all happen again tomorrow * snirk*.