Minerva, what are you doing?

A kitten's gotta kit and I'm kitting.

What is kitting?

A little singing, a little dancing, a little bouncing my ball off the wall and chasing stuff, you know, kitting.

Minerva, it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

And?

I have to get up tomorrow.

I don't.

I sweear to god Minerva if you don't quit it you will never see a kittie Bic again.

Wow, cranky or what? What exactly are you objecting to, is it my singing? It's my singing, isn't it? You don't like my singing, do you? Or is it the dancing? It's hard to manage four paws at once you know, you should try it. You'd soon fuck up the foxtrot believe me. Or is it......

IT'S ALL OF IT,OKAY?? ALL .OF. IT .AT .3 O-FUCKING-CLOCK. IN .THE. MORNING.STOP ALL OF IT AND STOP IT NOW!!!

What about breathing, can I still breathe or is it too late for that as well?

It soon damn well will be.

I heard that.

ZOMFG!!! MINERVA!!! WHAT THE FUCK?????

Whut?

What the great, crunchy, crispy Christ are you doing there?

I'm sitting on the window sill........haven't you ever seen a cat sitting on a window sill

before?

It's the outside window sill, a bedroom window sill, a first- fucking- floor window sill !! 

Get your furry little butt inside now before I kick it from here to Edinburgh.

But it's a great view. Look, I can almost reach that........whoops, well maybe I can't

reach that bird.

'Come here and say that , you feathery little bastard!!'

OMG, OMG, please, Minerva, darling, please come back in.

Darling? Blimey, you are nervous. Tell me, have you ever seen me balance on

just my back paws? It's awesome....look.

AAAARGHHHH!!! Please Minerva, for the love of God, for the sake of my blood

pressure, please come in.

Awww, you do love me after all......come to my paws, my beamish staff.

I just didn't want to have to scrape you off the patio also, you are an arsehole.

*snirk*

Minerva, where are you? Minerva?

Never heard of her, sorry.

Minerva, stop pissing about, it’s time to go.

I’m not going anywhere, and you can’t make me.

For fucks sake, Minerva, one little trip to the vet? Surely a big brave kitten like you can

do one little trip to the vet?

Nope. Shan’t.

Hmmm, look. Lovely, nommy treats here, Minerva, look…nom, nom, nom. I’m just

putting them here in your carrier, look.

Do I look like an idiot? I’m not going to be stabbed for a handful of Dreamies.

It’s a tiny little prick.

So is the vet. You’ll never take me alive copper! Wait, what are you doing with

Mr Wobbles? Nooo, not Mr Wobbles? Nooooooo!!!

If you don’t co-operate, Mr Wobbles gets it..

I hate you so hard right now.

Sorry kid, it’s a rough and germy world out there.

I need guns, and lasers and all kinds of implements of destruction

Fallen out with Attila again?

That bastard needs to be taught a lesson

Why not just sort it out with him? You know, go round there Gato A Gato and negotiate

 a peaceful solution

For a start off, one does not simply walk into Number 32. Secondly, he couldn't even

spell negotiate and erm, ummm, nextly , he's kidnapped Mr Wobbles.

Kidnapped? Really? What's the ransom?

Mr Wobbles.

Okay, I accept that negotiation doesn't look like it's going to work here.I could mount

a peace keeping mission if you like?

What does that mean?

I'll go and ask Sheila if we can have Mr Wobbles back.

Wow, Kofi Annan's got bugger all on you.

Do you want Mr Wobbles or not?

Yes please

Then shutthefuckup.

Day Ten

Notes from a small kitten

So, Minerva, my friend says all cats are psychic.

What, knife wielding maniacs?

No, psychic, you know, they see ghosts and stuff.

A fish or two short of a supper then, this friend of yours?

No.......well, yes......but a lot of people think that. Is it true?

Is what true? That I'm a knife wielding maniac?

Substitute claws and that's about right, but stop being evasive. Do you see dead people?

Look, I promise you, if I ever see a ghost, you will be the first to know.

Aw, is that because you trust me with secret cat stuff?

No, it's because I will have shit myself.

 

DAY NINE

Watcha doin?

Changing bed linen.

Looks like fun, want some help?

Um, so yeah, Minerva? Sitting in the middle of the sheet I'm trying to remove and looking smug, not so much with the helping.

Oh sorry.* snirk*

Minerva? The sitting under the bed and attacking my feet, also not helping. And that thing with the duvet, you know, getting inside the cover and then screaming that you are lost in a snow blizzard? Really, really not helping.

Wow, has anyone ever told you how critical you are? I bet I grow up with a complex or something.

IF you grow up.

I heard that.