Day 23

***Sigh****

What’s the matter?

I’m depressed.

What are you depressed about? You are 3 months old, in perfect health, your whole life ahead of you,you have at least one human being totally in thrall, you have a warm, comfortable home and as many kittie bics as you can get outside of, what’s there to be depressed about?

But what’s the point? I mean, when you get right down to it? What’s it all for?

Have you fallen out with Mr Wobbles again?

There you go, trivialising my pain….you just don’t understand. You’ll be sorry you

 weren’t more sympathetic.

Will I? Why? Are you planning some terrible revenge in the middle of the night? Going to trip me up when I’m going down the stairs? Rat me out to the Cat Protection League?

Much worse. I’m going to write a poem

Fuck

DAY 22

Aaargh!!!! Gerrofff , you furry little hell bat, what are you playing at?

I am being a Teenage Ninja Hero Kitten

Which is why you dive bombed me from the curtain rail?

No choice, dude, you are an arch villain and the feet of the world is in my paws.

I think you mean fate.

What, with teas and scones and guess the coconut sort of thing?

No, that’s a …*sigh* never mind. So, have I stopped being an arch villain now?

Depends

On what?

Is it dinnertime?

Yes

I forgive you for dooming the whole world.Let's eat.

Day 21

Minerva?

Whut?

Why is the hallway full of fish?

Praise the Gods, it's a miracle!

A miracle delivered by the Post Office?

You don't know it isn't.

I have a pretty good idea that if the Royal Mail were producing miracles,

 the secret would be out by now. So?

So?

The hallway full of fish?

Oh yeah.......um, tribute?Yes...because thanks to my well-written and highly amusing blog, I are now an international figure of famousness and beloved by my publics who all sent......erm....fish! Yes, that's it, fish.

I left the computer logged into online shopping, didn't I?

Yeah, totally your fault.

Day 20

Holy crap, sea monsters!! Sound the alert, man the battle stations, infestation of sea monsters in the bath tub!

It's me...

Back, frog spawn of Satan! You may speak with the voice of my minion but you can't

fool this kitty cat, oh no. Quick, bring laser cannon, I have it on the run!!

Minerva, it's me, I promise....

But you are green and flaky and scaly and you smell funny.

It's a face pack, it's supposed to make me beautiful.

I hate to tell you this, but it isn't working so far.

Well no, not whilst it's on. Look I'll wash it off then you can see it's me........see?

Still hasn't worked, dude.

Shutthefuckup

DAY 19

Oi, mouse breath, where are you?

Up here. Queen of the World, Ma, Queen of the World.

That's a shit Jimmy Cagney impersonation and what are you doing on the garage roof?

Looking down on you, in every sense of the word.

Super, well done. And you propose to get down, how?

The same way I.........ah, that plank isn't quite so helpful from this direction, I hadn't noticed that before.Okay, you have my permission to climb up and get me.

Not on your little furry nelly......you got up there, you can get down, again.

Would this be a good time to mention how much I love you?

It really wouldn't.

How about the fact that I have the Cat Protection League on speed dial?

Not much use to you up there

Good point.

DAY 18

I hate you, with extreme hate, and prejudice probably, forever. And when that is
finished, I shall start hating you all over again.

You don't feel this is a little over the top?

Over the top!!!! You shut me up in a plastic box for hours, no food, no water,
 no television, subjected to abuse from various wild animals, all wishing to tear
my throat out. And what had I done to deserve that? Nothing, that's what, nothing!

Well actually, if you want to talk about punishment, there was the time you....

Never mind that, you are interrupting me. Then, if that wasn't enough you hand me
over to a kitten rapist, where I was tortured and stabbed and, and, and... molested!

What you actually mean is that you were in your carrier for ten minutes or so,
went to the vet who checked your heart and lungs, gave you an inoculation and put a
few drops on the back of your neck.

I was stabbed!! Stab stab stabbitty that kitten rapist went while you stood by!
You have betrayed my faithful, little trust in you. You have broken my little kitty heart.
 I have trauma, also palpitations, not to mention the fact that I smell funny from those
 drops. They will prolly make me ill, you know and then you'll be sorry.
 I need fish, and counselling and a nice toy and your undivided attention for the rest of
the day.

***Blimey, what's it going to be like when she gets spayed and chipped?***

What was that?

Nothing.

Day 17

Watcha doin?

Knitting

Give us a go, it looks good

No, you'd be pants at it, it's far too technical for you

Oh please, you're making knots in wool with two sticks.

Do.Not.Touch.The.Knitting. Okay?

Man, you are such a grouch.

(insert swimmy dreamy time passing scene here)

Minerva?

*fnnmeuhmnr, hrurmpm*

Minerva, where are you? It's time for The Big Bang Theory.

*fnnmuuuerrm*

Minerva?

***frummmherm****help me****moummnph***

Oh, for the love of God,what the fuck????

A little assistance here, please?

What the hell were you doing with my knitting?

Helping?

What? I had to cut you out of the newly knitted back of my cardigan, how in name of

Christ is that helping?

That colour so didn't suit you