You know that man you've got measuring the dining room for bookcases?

What about him?

He was making swears.

Oh crap. Why was he making swears, Minerva?

I dunno. I was helping him and everything.

Everything? Really? What did this helping and 'everything' consist of, oh little moggie of mine?

Erm, well it wasn't easy because I am not fully trained yet ...

You can say that again...

But I chewed the end of his tape measure, sat everywhere he was doing measures, went in and out of his legs a few times and bit his nose. Helping. Yes.

Funnily enough, he now says he's suddenly too busy to make bookshelves for us, what do make of that, Minerva?

I think someone who makes that many swears should not be around a young and impressionable kitten. Have you thought about how attractive books look piled on the floor? Also, they make excellent mazes for small, bored cats. You're welcome.

***Sigh***

Minerva?

Whut?

I have apparently just become the proud owner of a steam cleaning machine, a crystal duck and an assortment of garden shrubberies. Would you care to explain?

Yes. It's the elitist, imperialism of the humanistic ruling classes.

You've got me there... start again?

***Sigh*** Right, you've got your humans...lording it over us poor, helpless ,downtrodden creatures, see?

I can see several places where I would take issue with your terminology, but go on.

Okay, and the reason you tall ,hairless types can do this to us brilliant ,but enslaved, animal classes is?

Erm....?

Opposable thumb, stupid! Your dexterity allows you to rule.

I'm still not seeing the reason for the various bits of crap the post man just delivered.

S'easy......if I had an opposable thumb I would have been better able to press the buttons on the phone to order two cases of anchovies and a sword from the shopping channel rather than a cleaner, a duck and some bushes.

I am using my opposable thumb to destroy my credit card and padlock the phone.

Despot.

Where have you been?

Erm, we went to a birthday party and a wedding.

Why didn't you take me?I would have liked a birthday party and a wedding

I know but you'd have got drunk, eaten most of the buffet, shed or drooled in the rest and then thrown up and left.

Much like the other guests then?

Well, yes........I mean, no, no, of course not. So what did you do with yourself while we were away?

Pretty much all of the above really. The dining room could do with some attention when you've unpacked.

Thanks

No problem.

Minerva, I don’t understand why you keep disappearing. Don’t we feed you, take care of you, play with you, cater, in short, to your every whim and wish?

Yes, yes, but the call of the wild is in my blood. I need the wide open spaces, the excitement of the open road, I have to be free-eee, free to be me-eee.

***Good grief.***

You don’t understand, I am a wild creature by nature, you cannot cage me. I must explore the world.

Okay, I get it. What are you waiting for then?Off you go, see you when you get back.

Erm..aren’t you going to feed me first? The world is a bloody big place you know.

Oh, I see, that’ll be more kittie bics then, oh wild one?

Are you mocking me?

Me, Kitten de Gama, would I?

Minerva, please speak to me. I am really sorry I had to keep you in for a week. It was on the vets orders you know. It wasn’t my fault.

There is no excuse for the chains of slavery!

What slavery? I just closed the cat flap for a week, whilst I waited on you, paw and erm…more paw.

Kitten oppression of the worst kind, you…you…kitten oppresser,, you.

For chrissakes Minerva, it was for your own sodding good.

We shall overcome, we shall overcome..

Look, I understand you feel strongly about this but don’t you think the kilt and blue face paint is a bit over the top?

You may take our lives, but you'll never take our freedom

***sigh***

Oh for fucks sake, Minerva!!

What have I done now?

I had just ironed this shirt for work

And your point is?

Look! You've used it as a bed and left hair all over it.

If it's on a flat surface, it's a bed.That's totally a law or something.

Okay, it was stupid of me to leave it on the bed but did you have to shed all over it?

Look, you were warned when you got me, no use complaining now.

Warned? What warned? I don't remember being warned.

'*AHEM*, if I may just refer to the bill of sale?

" May contain traces of kitten".

Ipso fatso,M'lud, my case rests,

Bill of sale, what bill of sale? You were free to a good home

And a good home does not yell at a little, cute kitten what cannot help shedding, especially when she's anxious and frightened.

Anxious and frightened my arse.

***Snirk***

Can I go to Ninja school? Can I, huh, can I? Can I go to Ninja school?

So far as I know there is no such thing as ninja school, so no.

I would be an awesome ninja. I would ninj on Attila's arse until he didn't know which way was up.

Being a Ninja calls for stern self-discipline, fearlessness and the ability to stay absolutely silent...do you really think you have what is needed?

I stayed quiet when you wore those jeans out in public.

Touché.

Owwwwww......*ahem* I said OWWWWWW!

Oh dear, are you still in pain?

Yus. I need some kittie bics, and a blankie and Mr Wobbles and a story.

But you've had all those things and you're still whini..erm..still reporting pain.

I need more. And some grapes and some toys and some caviar, probably. I'm not sure what that is but it is good for small kittens that have been very brave and are in great pain

Well take the bloody painkiller then instead of spitting it down my clean work clothes.

You hate me, don't you?

I don't hate you. You needed this operation, it was for the best.

What was it for again? I forget because of being in so much pain, and so weak and hungry probably.

It was so there are no baby Minervas which would take all the attention away from you and to put a little chip in you that means I can never, ever lose you.

Never, ever? This is good.

Yeah, fucking marvellous.

I heard that.

Minerva, what the hell have you been doing?

Whut?

Why are you covered in grime?

I've been miming.

Miming doesn't make you covered in grot...unless people throw things at you, I suppose.

No, no, I've been coal miming, miming for coal.

You've been down the hole that they are digging outside the house, haven't you?

Totally. It was awesome.

Minerva, that's really dangerous, they don't make those holes stable for mad kittens to go clambering around in.

You're telling me it's dangerous. Mr Wobbles was being the parakeet and he passed out.

Gas escape?

Well yes but I couldn't help it. I told you you shouldn't give me anchovies for lunch.

Minerva?

Yus?

Any idea why my mobile phone bill has gone sky high this month?

Nope.

Really? Are you sure? You haven't been phoning for pizza in Australia or anything?

Is there good pizza in Australia?

I don't know, I would imagine with a high Italian emigrant pop...never mind pizza in Australia, what about my phone bill?

Well you brought it up. I haven't touched your phone.......which one is your phone again?

This one.

Oh. Ah. That isn't a phaser then?

A phaser?

I've being trying to set it to stun Attilla.

You little rat bag, you've cost me a bloody fortune!

Beam me up, Mr Wobbles, I'm in the shit again.

SHRIEEEEEK!!

You called?

Why is there a frog in my bed?

He was tired?

Okay, why is there a frog in MY bed?

Well, he's cold and slimy, I'm not going to put him in my mine, am I?

And the reason we are harbouring wild life in the bedrooms is?

He's my pet. I shall hug him and squeeze him and call him Fluffy.

But Minerva, you can't keep a frog as a pet. Frogs need to be outdoors where it is cool

 and damp and there is no bedlinen.

Really? I could keep him in the bath.

And when I want a bath?

We can put him in your bed?

We are having a failure to communicate here, Minerva. No frogs, not in beds,

not in baths. This house, from now on, is a Frog-Free zone, capiche?

How about a pony? Can I have a pony?

***SIGH***