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Friday, 5 October 2012

For those of you wondering why there haven't been any new Minerva files; I have two written but she's been missing since Monday and I don't have the heart to put them up when I don't know where she is or if she's coming back. She has a collar with my phone number on it and she is chipped so it's puzzling that I haven't heard anything. Please keep things crossed.

Sunday, 30 September 2012

You know that man you've got measuring the dining room for bookcases?

What about him?

He was making swears.

Oh crap. Why was he making swears, Minerva?

I dunno. I was helping him and everything.

Everything? Really? What did this helping and 'everything' consist of, oh little moggie of mine?

Erm, well it wasn't easy because I am not fully trained yet ...

You can say that again...

But I chewed the end of his tape measure, sat everywhere he was doing measures, went in and out of his legs a few times and bit his nose. Helping. Yes.

Funnily enough, he now says he's suddenly too busy to make bookshelves for us, what do make of that, Minerva?

I think someone who makes that many swears should not be around a young and impressionable kitten. Have you thought about how attractive books look piled on the floor? Also, they make excellent mazes for small, bored cats. You're welcome.


Thursday, 27 September 2012



I have apparently just become the proud owner of a steam cleaning machine, a crystal duck and an assortment of garden shrubberies. Would you care to explain?

Yes. It's the elitist, imperialism of the humanistic ruling classes.

You've got me there... start again?

***Sigh*** Right, you've got your humans...lording it over us poor, helpless ,downtrodden creatures, see?

I can see several places where I would take issue with your terminology, but go on.

Okay, and the reason you tall ,hairless types can do this to us brilliant ,but enslaved, animal classes is?


Opposable thumb, stupid! Your dexterity allows you to rule.

I'm still not seeing the reason for the various bits of crap the post man just delivered.

S'easy......if I had an opposable thumb I would have been better able to press the buttons on the phone to order two cases of anchovies and a sword from the shopping channel rather than a cleaner, a duck and some bushes.

I am using my opposable thumb to destroy my credit card and padlock the phone.


Monday, 24 September 2012

Where have you been?

Erm, we went to a birthday party and a wedding.

Why didn't you take me?I would have liked a birthday party and a wedding

I know but you'd have got drunk, eaten most of the buffet, shed or drooled in the rest and then thrown up and left.

Much like the other guests then?

Well, yes........I mean, no, no, of course not. So what did you do with yourself while we were away?

Pretty much all of the above really. The dining room could do with some attention when you've unpacked.


No problem.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Minerva, I don’t understand why you keep disappearing. Don’t we feed you, take care of you, play with you, cater, in short, to your every whim and wish?

Yes, yes, but the call of the wild is in my blood. I need the wide open spaces, the excitement of the open road, I have to be free-eee, free to be me-eee.

***Good grief.***

You don’t understand, I am a wild creature by nature, you cannot cage me. I must explore the world.

Okay, I get it. What are you waiting for then?Off you go, see you when you get back.

Erm..aren’t you going to feed me first? The world is a bloody big place you know.

Oh, I see, that’ll be more kittie bics then, oh wild one?

Are you mocking me?

Me, Kitten de Gama, would I?

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Minerva, please speak to me. I am really sorry I had to keep you in for a week. It was on the vets orders you know. It wasn’t my fault.

There is no excuse for the chains of slavery!

What slavery? I just closed the cat flap for a week, whilst I waited on you, paw and erm…more paw.

Kitten oppression of the worst kind, you…you…kitten oppresser,, you.

For chrissakes Minerva, it was for your own sodding good.

We shall overcome, we shall overcome..

Look, I understand you feel strongly about this but don’t you think the kilt and blue face paint is a bit over the top?

You may take our lives, but you'll never take our freedom


Monday, 17 September 2012

Oh for fucks sake, Minerva!!

What have I done now?

I had just ironed this shirt for work

And your point is?

Look! You've used it as a bed and left hair all over it.

If it's on a flat surface, it's a bed.That's totally a law or something.

Okay, it was stupid of me to leave it on the bed but did you have to shed all over it?

Look, you were warned when you got me, no use complaining now.

Warned? What warned? I don't remember being warned.

'*AHEM*, if I may just refer to the bill of sale?

" May contain traces of kitten".

Ipso fatso,M'lud, my case rests,

Bill of sale, what bill of sale? You were free to a good home

And a good home does not yell at a little, cute kitten what cannot help shedding, especially when she's anxious and frightened.

Anxious and frightened my arse.