Oh my god, oh my god,you've come home!!!!

Okay,okay, calm down, don't squeeze so tight!

Where the hell were you for the last two nights?

A bit personal, don't you think?

No, no, I don't. You are four months old. Where were you???

Oh around; here and there, you know...

No, I don't know, I've been worried sick.

Yeah I know, i saw the wanted posters.....cool or what?

You saw the posters??? Why didn't you come home?

Duh, posters equals famous. Has Simon thingummy rung yet?

You stayed out because you thought the posters would make you famous?

Well obviously  I'm not that shallow.....although it was a really good photo of me,

don't you think? No, i also had stuff to do.Important, staying out all night cat stuff.

Have you any idea what I've been through? I was so worried!!! I haven't slept, I couldn't

eat, I was crying ,dammit.

Yeah, shame, sorry. Can i have one of the posters?

Minerva, what are you doing?

A kitten's gotta kit and I'm kitting.

What is kitting?

A little singing, a little dancing, a little bouncing my ball off the wall and chasing stuff, you know, kitting.

Minerva, it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

And?

I have to get up tomorrow.

I don't.

I sweear to god Minerva if you don't quit it you will never see a kittie Bic again.

Wow, cranky or what? What exactly are you objecting to, is it my singing? It's my singing, isn't it? You don't like my singing, do you? Or is it the dancing? It's hard to manage four paws at once you know, you should try it. You'd soon fuck up the foxtrot believe me. Or is it......

IT'S ALL OF IT,OKAY?? ALL .OF. IT .AT .3 O-FUCKING-CLOCK. IN .THE. MORNING.STOP ALL OF IT AND STOP IT NOW!!!

What about breathing, can I still breathe or is it too late for that as well?

It soon damn well will be.

I heard that.

ZOMFG!!! MINERVA!!! WHAT THE FUCK?????

Whut?

What the great, crunchy, crispy Christ are you doing there?

I'm sitting on the window sill........haven't you ever seen a cat sitting on a window sill

before?

It's the outside window sill, a bedroom window sill, a first- fucking- floor window sill !! 

Get your furry little butt inside now before I kick it from here to Edinburgh.

But it's a great view. Look, I can almost reach that........whoops, well maybe I can't

reach that bird.

'Come here and say that , you feathery little bastard!!'

OMG, OMG, please, Minerva, darling, please come back in.

Darling? Blimey, you are nervous. Tell me, have you ever seen me balance on

just my back paws? It's awesome....look.

AAAARGHHHH!!! Please Minerva, for the love of God, for the sake of my blood

pressure, please come in.

Awww, you do love me after all......come to my paws, my beamish staff.

I just didn't want to have to scrape you off the patio also, you are an arsehole.

*snirk*

Minerva, where are you? Minerva?

Never heard of her, sorry.

Minerva, stop pissing about, it’s time to go.

I’m not going anywhere, and you can’t make me.

For fucks sake, Minerva, one little trip to the vet? Surely a big brave kitten like you can

do one little trip to the vet?

Nope. Shan’t.

Hmmm, look. Lovely, nommy treats here, Minerva, look…nom, nom, nom. I’m just

putting them here in your carrier, look.

Do I look like an idiot? I’m not going to be stabbed for a handful of Dreamies.

It’s a tiny little prick.

So is the vet. You’ll never take me alive copper! Wait, what are you doing with

Mr Wobbles? Nooo, not Mr Wobbles? Nooooooo!!!

If you don’t co-operate, Mr Wobbles gets it..

I hate you so hard right now.

Sorry kid, it’s a rough and germy world out there.

Yo, heave ho, yo heave ho…

What the fuck are you doing, Minerva?

I’m hauling on the bowline

Are you indeed?Why?

Because I am being  a pirate.

I see, and the bowline is what exactly?

It’s a rope what connects the thingy to the doodah on a ships.

Not a thread hanging from my good black cardigan that you have unravelled and which is now half way across the sitting room floor?

I wondered why the doodah wasn’t moving. Belay lads, the thingy’s fucked

My cardigan’s fucked is what you mean.

I stopped you from going out with a thread hanging. You’re welcome.

I swear to God Minerva, if you don't stop doing that I will end you.

Doing what?

Winding around my feet when I'm walking downstairs. It's dangerous, and stupid and could get both of us hurt.

Really, this doesn'r work for you, huh?

No it doesn't work for me. Why do you do it?

Because I am so pleased to see you?

Really?

Well, no, not really. I am really hungry though.

But doing that means I take more time getting downstairs not less.Hence slower dinners,

not faster. With a pretty fair chance of staff with a broken neck and no dinners ever

again, ever.

Well, I'll be damned. Okay, well you've convinced me that this is totally illogical and

foolish and therefore I shall stop doing it immediately.....said no cat, ever.

Sigh

Owwwww

What have you done?

I was chasing this little black furry dude. Round and round we went, round and round.

 I was getting pretty dizzy I can tell you but I am a kitten what is full of determination,

 as you know, and I kept going.

Wow, I am so impressed. What happened next?

Well, I kept chasing and he was always just a little ahead of me but I pressed on, as all heroes do.

Really? You chased him eh?

Well, he was extremely dangerous, probably ... also, there were a whole gang of them... and , and they had me backed into a corner. Just one brave little kitteh against a

whole mob of ferocious cats. Armed ferocious cats, I forgot that part.

I am dry trousered with excitement, what happened then.

Well, I said, you can't put Kitteh in a corner, I said, and then I went for the ringleader

and bit him really hard!

And somehow that hurt you, right?

How did you know? Is it magic? Zombie cats right? I bet it was zombie cats.Was it

zombie cats?

It was your tail.

Oh...I feel a bit stupid now.

Sorry.

S'okay. Sometimes small kittens need to learn life's lessons. Small furry dude is my tail;

 got it.

*******Five minutes later************

Owwwwww.

I need guns, and lasers and all kinds of implements of destruction

Fallen out with Attila again?

That bastard needs to be taught a lesson

Why not just sort it out with him? You know, go round there Gato A Gato and negotiate

 a peaceful solution

For a start off, one does not simply walk into Number 32. Secondly, he couldn't even

spell negotiate and erm, ummm, nextly , he's kidnapped Mr Wobbles.

Kidnapped? Really? What's the ransom?

Mr Wobbles.

Okay, I accept that negotiation doesn't look like it's going to work here.I could mount

a peace keeping mission if you like?

What does that mean?

I'll go and ask Sheila if we can have Mr Wobbles back.

Wow, Kofi Annan's got bugger all on you.

Do you want Mr Wobbles or not?

Yes please

Then shutthefuckup.

Minerva?

Whut?

I thought I asked you not to put your rubber chasey ball on the middle stair?

You did? How about that. Why?

Because if one of the cat staff puts their foot on it, they could fall down the stairs.

Zero.

Zero?

That is how many fucks I give.

Fine, you'll be sourcing your own dinners from now on.Good luck with the supermarket, oh and the money to buy the food, oh and the ability to open the pouches.

I could go feral. Bet I could catch my own dinners

Feral? You are scared of the dark and the last moth you caught was a biter. Feral,my arse.

You get really grouchy when you're covered in bruises, don't you?

Day 30

I wanna tattoo

No

Why?

Because you're a cat.

That's very speciest of you

No it isn't , because you are , in fact, a cat.

And your point is?

You are covered in fur, if you had a tattoo, no one would know.

I would know. It would make me tougher.

When you had your last vaccination you had to lie down for two days.

And?

And tattoos use needles to scrape ink into your skin.It hurts. A lot.

Holy shit, okay I don't want a tattoo...can I have some knuckle dusters?

You don't have knuckles.

You just want me to get beaten up, don't you?

Day 29

Bob from next door called in to see me.

Oh yes?

He wanted to complain about your harrassment of Fluffy. He's had to get her into cat therapy and he wants us to pay.

Therapy? What a fuckwit. I hope you said no.

That depends on whether you actually covered yourself in green face paint and

 jumped out at her from behind the grapevine yelling "BRAINZZZ.!!!" Did you?

No..... ..okay yes, but it was a joke. God, doesn't anyone have a sense of humour round

here?

That depends.

On what?

How funny you think it when you get no cat treats for the next bazillion years or until

Fluffy stops shaking, whichever comes first.

Fuckwit

DAY 28

When are you going shopping?

Why?

I need more kittie food.

But I just bought you kittie food.

I don't like that one.

This is the same food that you absolutely loved yesterday? The one that you'd never tasted anything so fabulous and it was being your favourite? That kittie food? The one that ,when you got all ecstatic about it, I rushed out to buy several boxes of? That kittie food?

That's the one. I don't like it now.

And what am I to do with three extra large boxes of the one you now don't like after all?

Give it to the poor, underfed kittens in Sudan?

I wonder how much it would cost to post you to the Sudan?

I heard that.

DAY 27

Ah, welcome Mr Bond

Do you always have to say that when you are lying along one arm?

It's funny, also referencing popular culture, so valid.

It wasn't funny even the first time and exactly what is valid about an idiotic, violent, puerile and patronising stereotype?

How can you say that? He's cool and has guns and stuff. I wish I had guns and stuff. Fluffy from next door would be bread, I can tell you.

Toast

Oooh, yes please, make mine with the choccie spread.

DAY 26

Minerva, I need to move........Minerva........MINERVA!!!

Whut?

I need to move, my arm's gone to sleep.

And your point is?

Also I need a pee and I'd like some tea

Still not getting your point here

Well, you've settled yourself on my chest which means I need to hold you up

or you'll slide off.

Call me Miss Slowcoach but still not sure where you're going with this.....

You need to move so I can move

But I'm comfortable and... well, that's it really, comfortable; so you can't move. sorry.

Try me in an hour or so.

But I'll have wet myself by then

Sucks to be you.

DAY 25

What are our plans in case of Zombie attack?

You've been reading Stephen King again, haven't you?

No. Well, yes, but that is so not the point. Why can't you ever stick to the point?

Um, what was the point, again?

SIGH......Zombies? Attacking? Brains, for the consumption of?

Well you'll be alright.

Harsh, cat staff, harsh.

DAY 24

I'm not sure I understand this game, Minerva.

What's to understand? I hide under the bed and whenever you come near I leap out and claw your feet; it's brilliant.

But what is the point?

Point? Well, surprise, excitement and fun of course.

I'm not feeling the surprise, excitement or fun here, sorry.

Well, no, of course not, that's my bit.

Oh okay, and mine is?

Well, fear, trepidation and lacerations, obviously.

Of course. So what exactly is in this for me?

I don't understand the question.