For those of you wondering why there haven't been any new Minerva files; I have two written but she's been missing since Monday and I don't have the heart to put them up when I don't know where she is or if she's coming back. She has a collar with my phone number on it and she is chipped so it's puzzling that I haven't heard anything. Please keep things crossed.

You know that man you've got measuring the dining room for bookcases?

What about him?

He was making swears.

Oh crap. Why was he making swears, Minerva?

I dunno. I was helping him and everything.

Everything? Really? What did this helping and 'everything' consist of, oh little moggie of mine?

Erm, well it wasn't easy because I am not fully trained yet ...

You can say that again...

But I chewed the end of his tape measure, sat everywhere he was doing measures, went in and out of his legs a few times and bit his nose. Helping. Yes.

Funnily enough, he now says he's suddenly too busy to make bookshelves for us, what do make of that, Minerva?

I think someone who makes that many swears should not be around a young and impressionable kitten. Have you thought about how attractive books look piled on the floor? Also, they make excellent mazes for small, bored cats. You're welcome.

***Sigh***

Minerva?

Whut?

I have apparently just become the proud owner of a steam cleaning machine, a crystal duck and an assortment of garden shrubberies. Would you care to explain?

Yes. It's the elitist, imperialism of the humanistic ruling classes.

You've got me there... start again?

***Sigh*** Right, you've got your humans...lording it over us poor, helpless ,downtrodden creatures, see?

I can see several places where I would take issue with your terminology, but go on.

Okay, and the reason you tall ,hairless types can do this to us brilliant ,but enslaved, animal classes is?

Erm....?

Opposable thumb, stupid! Your dexterity allows you to rule.

I'm still not seeing the reason for the various bits of crap the post man just delivered.

S'easy......if I had an opposable thumb I would have been better able to press the buttons on the phone to order two cases of anchovies and a sword from the shopping channel rather than a cleaner, a duck and some bushes.

I am using my opposable thumb to destroy my credit card and padlock the phone.

Despot.

Where have you been?

Erm, we went to a birthday party and a wedding.

Why didn't you take me?I would have liked a birthday party and a wedding

I know but you'd have got drunk, eaten most of the buffet, shed or drooled in the rest and then thrown up and left.

Much like the other guests then?

Well, yes........I mean, no, no, of course not. So what did you do with yourself while we were away?

Pretty much all of the above really. The dining room could do with some attention when you've unpacked.

Thanks

No problem.

Minerva, I don’t understand why you keep disappearing. Don’t we feed you, take care of you, play with you, cater, in short, to your every whim and wish?

Yes, yes, but the call of the wild is in my blood. I need the wide open spaces, the excitement of the open road, I have to be free-eee, free to be me-eee.

***Good grief.***

You don’t understand, I am a wild creature by nature, you cannot cage me. I must explore the world.

Okay, I get it. What are you waiting for then?Off you go, see you when you get back.

Erm..aren’t you going to feed me first? The world is a bloody big place you know.

Oh, I see, that’ll be more kittie bics then, oh wild one?

Are you mocking me?

Me, Kitten de Gama, would I?

Minerva, please speak to me. I am really sorry I had to keep you in for a week. It was on the vets orders you know. It wasn’t my fault.

There is no excuse for the chains of slavery!

What slavery? I just closed the cat flap for a week, whilst I waited on you, paw and erm…more paw.

Kitten oppression of the worst kind, you…you…kitten oppresser,, you.

For chrissakes Minerva, it was for your own sodding good.

We shall overcome, we shall overcome..

Look, I understand you feel strongly about this but don’t you think the kilt and blue face paint is a bit over the top?

You may take our lives, but you'll never take our freedom

***sigh***

Oh for fucks sake, Minerva!!

What have I done now?

I had just ironed this shirt for work

And your point is?

Look! You've used it as a bed and left hair all over it.

If it's on a flat surface, it's a bed.That's totally a law or something.

Okay, it was stupid of me to leave it on the bed but did you have to shed all over it?

Look, you were warned when you got me, no use complaining now.

Warned? What warned? I don't remember being warned.

'*AHEM*, if I may just refer to the bill of sale?

" May contain traces of kitten".

Ipso fatso,M'lud, my case rests,

Bill of sale, what bill of sale? You were free to a good home

And a good home does not yell at a little, cute kitten what cannot help shedding, especially when she's anxious and frightened.

Anxious and frightened my arse.

***Snirk***

Can I go to Ninja school? Can I, huh, can I? Can I go to Ninja school?

So far as I know there is no such thing as ninja school, so no.

I would be an awesome ninja. I would ninj on Attila's arse until he didn't know which way was up.

Being a Ninja calls for stern self-discipline, fearlessness and the ability to stay absolutely silent...do you really think you have what is needed?

I stayed quiet when you wore those jeans out in public.

Touché.

Owwwwww......*ahem* I said OWWWWWW!

Oh dear, are you still in pain?

Yus. I need some kittie bics, and a blankie and Mr Wobbles and a story.

But you've had all those things and you're still whini..erm..still reporting pain.

I need more. And some grapes and some toys and some caviar, probably. I'm not sure what that is but it is good for small kittens that have been very brave and are in great pain

Well take the bloody painkiller then instead of spitting it down my clean work clothes.

You hate me, don't you?

I don't hate you. You needed this operation, it was for the best.

What was it for again? I forget because of being in so much pain, and so weak and hungry probably.

It was so there are no baby Minervas which would take all the attention away from you and to put a little chip in you that means I can never, ever lose you.

Never, ever? This is good.

Yeah, fucking marvellous.

I heard that.

Minerva, what the hell have you been doing?

Whut?

Why are you covered in grime?

I've been miming.

Miming doesn't make you covered in grot...unless people throw things at you, I suppose.

No, no, I've been coal miming, miming for coal.

You've been down the hole that they are digging outside the house, haven't you?

Totally. It was awesome.

Minerva, that's really dangerous, they don't make those holes stable for mad kittens to go clambering around in.

You're telling me it's dangerous. Mr Wobbles was being the parakeet and he passed out.

Gas escape?

Well yes but I couldn't help it. I told you you shouldn't give me anchovies for lunch.

Minerva?

Yus?

Any idea why my mobile phone bill has gone sky high this month?

Nope.

Really? Are you sure? You haven't been phoning for pizza in Australia or anything?

Is there good pizza in Australia?

I don't know, I would imagine with a high Italian emigrant pop...never mind pizza in Australia, what about my phone bill?

Well you brought it up. I haven't touched your phone.......which one is your phone again?

This one.

Oh. Ah. That isn't a phaser then?

A phaser?

I've being trying to set it to stun Attilla.

You little rat bag, you've cost me a bloody fortune!

Beam me up, Mr Wobbles, I'm in the shit again.

SHRIEEEEEK!!

You called?

Why is there a frog in my bed?

He was tired?

Okay, why is there a frog in MY bed?

Well, he's cold and slimy, I'm not going to put him in my mine, am I?

And the reason we are harbouring wild life in the bedrooms is?

He's my pet. I shall hug him and squeeze him and call him Fluffy.

But Minerva, you can't keep a frog as a pet. Frogs need to be outdoors where it is cool

 and damp and there is no bedlinen.

Really? I could keep him in the bath.

And when I want a bath?

We can put him in your bed?

We are having a failure to communicate here, Minerva. No frogs, not in beds,

not in baths. This house, from now on, is a Frog-Free zone, capiche?

How about a pony? Can I have a pony?

***SIGH***

Minerva, why are there feathers all over the hall carpet?

Um.....a bird spontaenously combusted in your hallway?

Try again.

I am making a collection to...erm...to help moulting birds.Yes, moulting birds, that's it.

Care for another try?

Okay, okay... me and Mr Wobbles are making our own.

Your own bird?

Yeah, and when we've got all the bits together and working, we're going to train it to take us up to the roofs and dive bomb Attilla. It'll be awesome.

Minerva, you can't make your own bird, well, not a live one anyway.

I can't? But you got a flat pack coffee table.

Yes, but they don't make flat pack pigeons,

Damn. Back to the drawing board.

And lose the feathers, Dr Frankenkitten, the hall looks like it vomited a seagull.

What the fuckitty fuck is this thing?

It's a collar, it's to keep an ID barrel on.

For why?

So the next time you go begging tuna round the neighbourhood, the poor suckers

you hit up for the contents of their fish cupboard will know how to contact me to

come and fetch you home.

You spoil all my fun.

Life's a bitch.

That still doesn't explain this thing?

Your collar, why, what's wrong with it?

It's pink. It's got cutesy little paw prints all over it. It has a fucking bell, for Chrissakes!

 You could at least have got a black leather one with spikes.Anyone would have

 thought you chose the crappiest one deliberately.

***Snirk***

Some hours later

Minerva, where is the new collar I just bought you?

Oh dear, I must have lost it ****snirk back atcha, lady****

So, Minerva, why do you keep doing this disappearing act?

Well, it's the call of the wild sort of thing isn't it?

Is it?

Well no, not really. It's the call of the fish really.

Fish?

Well, if I stand in someone's front garden and cry and look pathetic and little and lost ...

well, what would you do?

Well, I suppose I'd take you in.

And then?

Erm, feed you?

Ezackly, and if you were a non kitten staff type person, what would you feed me?

Uh, I'd open a tin of tuna or salmon, I suppose?

Even more ezackly.

So you do all this and put me through hell , for a tin of tuna?

Or salmon.

But we have tuna and salmon here. You could have tuna anytime you want.

That's legitimate tuna. There's no art in legitimate tuna.

***Sigh***

What's that man doing?

He's making you a cat flap

And that is?

A hole in the door so you can go out and come in by yourself

Why?

So you don't need staff to be constantly getting up and down to open doors for you

I miss the personal service

Tough, you'll get used to it

I go in, I go out again;I go in, I go out again;I go in, I go out again. Hey this is great, I love this cat flap!

I hate that fucking cat flap.

So, what did you do today whilst I was at work?

Well, lemme see. I had some breakfast, chased some stuff, had a short nap, had a bit more breakfast, chased some more stuff, had a longer nap........

Okay, okay, I get it. Really stressful day, huh?

Also, stopped an aliem invasion, repelled the Forces of Darkness, rehomed 6 homeless puppies , made dinner and took care of the bills. You're welcome.

Wow, really?

Well, all except the dinner part, I totally made that up so you wouldn't be too dazzled by my awesome.

Notes from a Bemused Cat Sitter

( The survival Diaries, Day Four)

Minerva, will you please take your teeth out of my calf?

Can't...s'part of your training.

But your food bowl is full, your litter tray is empty, the door is open for you to come and go, I've dropped everything in readiness for your attention demands.....I'm fully trained, dammit

Ever hear of Trauma Bonding?

You what?

Basically, I bite the crap out of you ( that's this bit) and then later I curl up in your arms purring and looking adorable ( that's later, when I'm sleepy).

And you do this why?

It stops you leaving me due to the confused nature of your attachment. It's sweet really, shows I love you.

It really doesn't, you know. Where did you learn this stuff?

Mr Wobbles hacked your interwebs. My psychology degree and 12 tins of anchovies should arrive tomorrow.

Notes from a Bemused Cat Sitter

Day the Third

Minerva, what are you doing?

I'm demonstrating my utter boredom and loneliness through the mediums of knocking

stuff over and biting your hands....duh!

But I'm trying to work here.

Fascinating though I'm sure that is, I fail to see how it relates to me?

But yesterday I was here for you all day and all you wanted was to go out.

And your point is....? ( We've got a slow one here, Mr Wobbles)

****Bitey, bitey, batty, batty, CRASH!!!!*****

Okay, okay, fine, I suppose I could take a break from work and play with you for a while.

Really? How nice. I'm going out now.

Notes from a Bemused Cat Sitter

I wanna go out

Minerva, it's half past ten, it's cold, it's dark. You are not going out.

I'm a cat. Cat's don't care about cold and dark, we answer to the 'Call of the Wild'

Call of the Wild my arse, you aren't going out.

The other staff lets me.

She does? Let me read to you from the list she left me, shall I? *Ahem*

Item 1. NO scary Movies ( she gets nightmares)

Item 2. NO fizzy drinks ( you'll be scraping her off the ceiling)

Item 3. NO staying up or going out late ( she has no sense of direction in the dark and she gets really cranky in the mornings

Item 4. Do NOT let her on the Internets ( you don't even want to know)

Shall I go on?

I still wanna go out, I have important cat stuff to do.

No.

You're not my real mum.

Notes from a Bemused Cat Sitter

Day the First

So, temporary cat staff, what do you do?

What, aside from feed you, play with you. let you in, let you out, change your litter tray, let you out, let you in again, fed you a bit more, played with you some more.....what do I do aside from all that?

Well, yes. I understand you being employed to cater to my every whim but there must have been a rigorous interview process before you were awarded this highly satisfying post? What set you apart from the other candidates?

Hmmm, good question. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that it was a question of belief.

Oh, you mean you were born believing your true role was to pander to my every need,

even when I don't know what I need myself?

Well, no, more the belief that I would get through this week without throttling the living

crap out of you.

Wow, harsh. I would like more breakfast now, jump to it.

Minerva?

Whut?

What are you doing?

Packing for my holidays. I'm looking forward to the seaside, s'gonna be great.

Ah, I meant to have a word about that....

I haz packed my swimmy costume and my rubber ring with the horsey head on it, and some sunglasses and Mr Wobbles and an extra kittie bic sammich. I think I'm about ready.

You aren't going.

Whut?

You can't come.I'm sorry but you'd get lost or drowned or drunk or something.

But I wanna go to Sidmouth.

It's full of folkies, they'll be singing and shit.

Don't care, wanna go.

It'll be full of musicians also, you know, fiddles and accordians and mouth organs and stuff.

I wanna go.

Minerva,I'm going to be straight with you. There will be banjo players.

Holy fuck, why didn't you say so in the first place?See you in a week.

See you in a week or so, folks.

Oh my god, oh my god,you've come home!!!!

Okay,okay, calm down, don't squeeze so tight!

Where the hell were you for the last two nights?

A bit personal, don't you think?

No, no, I don't. You are four months old. Where were you???

Oh around; here and there, you know...

No, I don't know, I've been worried sick.

Yeah I know, i saw the wanted posters.....cool or what?

You saw the posters??? Why didn't you come home?

Duh, posters equals famous. Has Simon thingummy rung yet?

You stayed out because you thought the posters would make you famous?

Well obviously  I'm not that shallow.....although it was a really good photo of me,

don't you think? No, i also had stuff to do.Important, staying out all night cat stuff.

Have you any idea what I've been through? I was so worried!!! I haven't slept, I couldn't

eat, I was crying ,dammit.

Yeah, shame, sorry. Can i have one of the posters?

Minerva, what are you doing?

A kitten's gotta kit and I'm kitting.

What is kitting?

A little singing, a little dancing, a little bouncing my ball off the wall and chasing stuff, you know, kitting.

Minerva, it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

And?

I have to get up tomorrow.

I don't.

I sweear to god Minerva if you don't quit it you will never see a kittie Bic again.

Wow, cranky or what? What exactly are you objecting to, is it my singing? It's my singing, isn't it? You don't like my singing, do you? Or is it the dancing? It's hard to manage four paws at once you know, you should try it. You'd soon fuck up the foxtrot believe me. Or is it......

IT'S ALL OF IT,OKAY?? ALL .OF. IT .AT .3 O-FUCKING-CLOCK. IN .THE. MORNING.STOP ALL OF IT AND STOP IT NOW!!!

What about breathing, can I still breathe or is it too late for that as well?

It soon damn well will be.

I heard that.

ZOMFG!!! MINERVA!!! WHAT THE FUCK?????

Whut?

What the great, crunchy, crispy Christ are you doing there?

I'm sitting on the window sill........haven't you ever seen a cat sitting on a window sill

before?

It's the outside window sill, a bedroom window sill, a first- fucking- floor window sill !! 

Get your furry little butt inside now before I kick it from here to Edinburgh.

But it's a great view. Look, I can almost reach that........whoops, well maybe I can't

reach that bird.

'Come here and say that , you feathery little bastard!!'

OMG, OMG, please, Minerva, darling, please come back in.

Darling? Blimey, you are nervous. Tell me, have you ever seen me balance on

just my back paws? It's awesome....look.

AAAARGHHHH!!! Please Minerva, for the love of God, for the sake of my blood

pressure, please come in.

Awww, you do love me after all......come to my paws, my beamish staff.

I just didn't want to have to scrape you off the patio also, you are an arsehole.

*snirk*

Minerva, where are you? Minerva?

Never heard of her, sorry.

Minerva, stop pissing about, it’s time to go.

I’m not going anywhere, and you can’t make me.

For fucks sake, Minerva, one little trip to the vet? Surely a big brave kitten like you can

do one little trip to the vet?

Nope. Shan’t.

Hmmm, look. Lovely, nommy treats here, Minerva, look…nom, nom, nom. I’m just

putting them here in your carrier, look.

Do I look like an idiot? I’m not going to be stabbed for a handful of Dreamies.

It’s a tiny little prick.

So is the vet. You’ll never take me alive copper! Wait, what are you doing with

Mr Wobbles? Nooo, not Mr Wobbles? Nooooooo!!!

If you don’t co-operate, Mr Wobbles gets it..

I hate you so hard right now.

Sorry kid, it’s a rough and germy world out there.

Yo, heave ho, yo heave ho…

What the fuck are you doing, Minerva?

I’m hauling on the bowline

Are you indeed?Why?

Because I am being  a pirate.

I see, and the bowline is what exactly?

It’s a rope what connects the thingy to the doodah on a ships.

Not a thread hanging from my good black cardigan that you have unravelled and which is now half way across the sitting room floor?

I wondered why the doodah wasn’t moving. Belay lads, the thingy’s fucked

My cardigan’s fucked is what you mean.

I stopped you from going out with a thread hanging. You’re welcome.

I swear to God Minerva, if you don't stop doing that I will end you.

Doing what?

Winding around my feet when I'm walking downstairs. It's dangerous, and stupid and could get both of us hurt.

Really, this doesn'r work for you, huh?

No it doesn't work for me. Why do you do it?

Because I am so pleased to see you?

Really?

Well, no, not really. I am really hungry though.

But doing that means I take more time getting downstairs not less.Hence slower dinners,

not faster. With a pretty fair chance of staff with a broken neck and no dinners ever

again, ever.

Well, I'll be damned. Okay, well you've convinced me that this is totally illogical and

foolish and therefore I shall stop doing it immediately.....said no cat, ever.

Sigh

Owwwww

What have you done?

I was chasing this little black furry dude. Round and round we went, round and round.

 I was getting pretty dizzy I can tell you but I am a kitten what is full of determination,

 as you know, and I kept going.

Wow, I am so impressed. What happened next?

Well, I kept chasing and he was always just a little ahead of me but I pressed on, as all heroes do.

Really? You chased him eh?

Well, he was extremely dangerous, probably ... also, there were a whole gang of them... and , and they had me backed into a corner. Just one brave little kitteh against a

whole mob of ferocious cats. Armed ferocious cats, I forgot that part.

I am dry trousered with excitement, what happened then.

Well, I said, you can't put Kitteh in a corner, I said, and then I went for the ringleader

and bit him really hard!

And somehow that hurt you, right?

How did you know? Is it magic? Zombie cats right? I bet it was zombie cats.Was it

zombie cats?

It was your tail.

Oh...I feel a bit stupid now.

Sorry.

S'okay. Sometimes small kittens need to learn life's lessons. Small furry dude is my tail;

 got it.

*******Five minutes later************

Owwwwww.

I need guns, and lasers and all kinds of implements of destruction

Fallen out with Attila again?

That bastard needs to be taught a lesson

Why not just sort it out with him? You know, go round there Gato A Gato and negotiate

 a peaceful solution

For a start off, one does not simply walk into Number 32. Secondly, he couldn't even

spell negotiate and erm, ummm, nextly , he's kidnapped Mr Wobbles.

Kidnapped? Really? What's the ransom?

Mr Wobbles.

Okay, I accept that negotiation doesn't look like it's going to work here.I could mount

a peace keeping mission if you like?

What does that mean?

I'll go and ask Sheila if we can have Mr Wobbles back.

Wow, Kofi Annan's got bugger all on you.

Do you want Mr Wobbles or not?

Yes please

Then shutthefuckup.

Minerva?

Whut?

I thought I asked you not to put your rubber chasey ball on the middle stair?

You did? How about that. Why?

Because if one of the cat staff puts their foot on it, they could fall down the stairs.

Zero.

Zero?

That is how many fucks I give.

Fine, you'll be sourcing your own dinners from now on.Good luck with the supermarket, oh and the money to buy the food, oh and the ability to open the pouches.

I could go feral. Bet I could catch my own dinners

Feral? You are scared of the dark and the last moth you caught was a biter. Feral,my arse.

You get really grouchy when you're covered in bruises, don't you?