Minerva, why are there feathers all over the hall carpet?

Um.....a bird spontaenously combusted in your hallway?

Try again.

I am making a collection to...erm...to help moulting birds.Yes, moulting birds, that's it.

Care for another try?

Okay, okay... me and Mr Wobbles are making our own.

Your own bird?

Yeah, and when we've got all the bits together and working, we're going to train it to take us up to the roofs and dive bomb Attilla. It'll be awesome.

Minerva, you can't make your own bird, well, not a live one anyway.

I can't? But you got a flat pack coffee table.

Yes, but they don't make flat pack pigeons,

Damn. Back to the drawing board.

And lose the feathers, Dr Frankenkitten, the hall looks like it vomited a seagull.

What the fuckitty fuck is this thing?

It's a collar, it's to keep an ID barrel on.

For why?

So the next time you go begging tuna round the neighbourhood, the poor suckers

you hit up for the contents of their fish cupboard will know how to contact me to

come and fetch you home.

You spoil all my fun.

Life's a bitch.

That still doesn't explain this thing?

Your collar, why, what's wrong with it?

It's pink. It's got cutesy little paw prints all over it. It has a fucking bell, for Chrissakes!

 You could at least have got a black leather one with spikes.Anyone would have

 thought you chose the crappiest one deliberately.

***Snirk***

Some hours later

Minerva, where is the new collar I just bought you?

Oh dear, I must have lost it ****snirk back atcha, lady****

So, Minerva, why do you keep doing this disappearing act?

Well, it's the call of the wild sort of thing isn't it?

Is it?

Well no, not really. It's the call of the fish really.

Fish?

Well, if I stand in someone's front garden and cry and look pathetic and little and lost ...

well, what would you do?

Well, I suppose I'd take you in.

And then?

Erm, feed you?

Ezackly, and if you were a non kitten staff type person, what would you feed me?

Uh, I'd open a tin of tuna or salmon, I suppose?

Even more ezackly.

So you do all this and put me through hell , for a tin of tuna?

Or salmon.

But we have tuna and salmon here. You could have tuna anytime you want.

That's legitimate tuna. There's no art in legitimate tuna.

***Sigh***

What's that man doing?

He's making you a cat flap

And that is?

A hole in the door so you can go out and come in by yourself

Why?

So you don't need staff to be constantly getting up and down to open doors for you

I miss the personal service

Tough, you'll get used to it

I go in, I go out again;I go in, I go out again;I go in, I go out again. Hey this is great, I love this cat flap!

I hate that fucking cat flap.

So, what did you do today whilst I was at work?

Well, lemme see. I had some breakfast, chased some stuff, had a short nap, had a bit more breakfast, chased some more stuff, had a longer nap........

Okay, okay, I get it. Really stressful day, huh?

Also, stopped an aliem invasion, repelled the Forces of Darkness, rehomed 6 homeless puppies , made dinner and took care of the bills. You're welcome.

Wow, really?

Well, all except the dinner part, I totally made that up so you wouldn't be too dazzled by my awesome.

Notes from a Bemused Cat Sitter

( The survival Diaries, Day Four)

Minerva, will you please take your teeth out of my calf?

Can't...s'part of your training.

But your food bowl is full, your litter tray is empty, the door is open for you to come and go, I've dropped everything in readiness for your attention demands.....I'm fully trained, dammit

Ever hear of Trauma Bonding?

You what?

Basically, I bite the crap out of you ( that's this bit) and then later I curl up in your arms purring and looking adorable ( that's later, when I'm sleepy).

And you do this why?

It stops you leaving me due to the confused nature of your attachment. It's sweet really, shows I love you.

It really doesn't, you know. Where did you learn this stuff?

Mr Wobbles hacked your interwebs. My psychology degree and 12 tins of anchovies should arrive tomorrow.

Notes from a Bemused Cat Sitter

Day the Third

Minerva, what are you doing?

I'm demonstrating my utter boredom and loneliness through the mediums of knocking

stuff over and biting your hands....duh!

But I'm trying to work here.

Fascinating though I'm sure that is, I fail to see how it relates to me?

But yesterday I was here for you all day and all you wanted was to go out.

And your point is....? ( We've got a slow one here, Mr Wobbles)

****Bitey, bitey, batty, batty, CRASH!!!!*****

Okay, okay, fine, I suppose I could take a break from work and play with you for a while.

Really? How nice. I'm going out now.

Notes from a Bemused Cat Sitter

I wanna go out

Minerva, it's half past ten, it's cold, it's dark. You are not going out.

I'm a cat. Cat's don't care about cold and dark, we answer to the 'Call of the Wild'

Call of the Wild my arse, you aren't going out.

The other staff lets me.

She does? Let me read to you from the list she left me, shall I? *Ahem*

Item 1. NO scary Movies ( she gets nightmares)

Item 2. NO fizzy drinks ( you'll be scraping her off the ceiling)

Item 3. NO staying up or going out late ( she has no sense of direction in the dark and she gets really cranky in the mornings

Item 4. Do NOT let her on the Internets ( you don't even want to know)

Shall I go on?

I still wanna go out, I have important cat stuff to do.

No.

You're not my real mum.

Notes from a Bemused Cat Sitter

Day the First

So, temporary cat staff, what do you do?

What, aside from feed you, play with you. let you in, let you out, change your litter tray, let you out, let you in again, fed you a bit more, played with you some more.....what do I do aside from all that?

Well, yes. I understand you being employed to cater to my every whim but there must have been a rigorous interview process before you were awarded this highly satisfying post? What set you apart from the other candidates?

Hmmm, good question. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that it was a question of belief.

Oh, you mean you were born believing your true role was to pander to my every need,

even when I don't know what I need myself?

Well, no, more the belief that I would get through this week without throttling the living

crap out of you.

Wow, harsh. I would like more breakfast now, jump to it.

Minerva?

Whut?

What are you doing?

Packing for my holidays. I'm looking forward to the seaside, s'gonna be great.

Ah, I meant to have a word about that....

I haz packed my swimmy costume and my rubber ring with the horsey head on it, and some sunglasses and Mr Wobbles and an extra kittie bic sammich. I think I'm about ready.

You aren't going.

Whut?

You can't come.I'm sorry but you'd get lost or drowned or drunk or something.

But I wanna go to Sidmouth.

It's full of folkies, they'll be singing and shit.

Don't care, wanna go.

It'll be full of musicians also, you know, fiddles and accordians and mouth organs and stuff.

I wanna go.

Minerva,I'm going to be straight with you. There will be banjo players.

Holy fuck, why didn't you say so in the first place?See you in a week.

See you in a week or so, folks.